Alone in Eden
by daiyaonna
Summary: Reposted. Sixteenyearold Eiri confronts Tohma, and their encounter leads to a forbidden obsession. EiriTohmacentric
1. A

Disclaimer: Gravitation is property of Maki Murakami. Sadly, I do not own anything.

Note: This is dedicated to ln and patosan for introducing me to the wonderful world of Tohma and Eiri. Thanks!

_**Alone in Eden**_

_Part One_

Uesugi Eiri was sixteen. He prided himself on the fact that he was no longer thought of as a child, one of the innocent and unknowing. It remained something he cherished and cradled against his chest, something he kept close to his heart. He knew what he wanted and refused to give in.

That was before.

Now, Uesugi Eiri was an adult in a teenager's body. He was still sixteen, still old enough to no longer be considered a child, but his mind was warped and bent, aware of the things capable in the real world. He knew the reality of what it meant to be a pretty, young boy in an existence of knowledgeable perverts, the pedophiles of a new age. He despised his blonde hair and white skin even more. He hated his lemon-lime eyes. He couldn't stand the fragile, feminine shape of his body.

He didn't want to be Uesugi Eiri, anymore.

"Damn."

His voice broke the silence of the temple...and his father's chanting. Eiri blinked, realizing where he was, and he bowed his head, strands of gold hiding his face. Eyes were boring into his skull, causing him to fidget, and Eiri tugged at the wrinkle in his robe across his knee almost mocking him with its stubbornness. He could hear his brother laughing, one of those little girlish giggles that instantly grated on his nerves, and he glared at the other boy, his lip curling. Tatsuha was ten, and Tatsuha was still a child. He had innocence, a purity Eiri no longer had. He had the unknowing.

Tears built at the edge of his eyes.

If only he could grab his brother by the hands...

Push him up against the wall...

Humiliate him...

Everything would be better.

It had to be!

"Stop it!" His mouth trembled. The tears came. "Stop it! STOP IT!" Eiri stood, long flowing robes tumbling over his legs, touching his ankles, and he ran away, tripping out of the temple and down its steps, splashing in the puddle waiting patiently just to catch him.

It was raining.

The cold drops washed away the evidence of his crying, although he continued to sob, and he scrambled to his feet, desperate to get away. Eiri could hear his father talking, angrily, to Tatsuha.

He ran some more and didn't look back.

The ground was cold and chilling, squishy beneath his bare toes, and he brushed sopping bangs out of his eyes, lost in the darkness. He had no idea where he was going. Everything was blurry. Eiri sank to his knees, fingers clutching the trunk of a nearby tree as he screamed. He didn't want to run anymore, but he couldn't stop.

He was going to run forever.

Eiri curled into a ball, his body curved around shadowed branches and leaves. He cried into his arms, shaking and scared.

He was a sixteen-year-old failure.

He was ruined.

Dirty.

"I'm sorry, Eiri." The voice drifted down from the sky, filling his ears with gentle calm, and warm fingers touched his muddy hand, clasping it tightly. "I'm so sorry." Watery eyes flickered open and squinted towards the dark clouds, blinking rapidly at the rain splashing into his face. A wavering image of waterlogged blonde and equally pale cream intertwined, and Eiri lifted his arm, reaching out for the person that he saw.

"T-Tohma." He sobbed harshly. "I w-want to go h-home." Skin caressed skin.

"Eiri..." Arms scooped him up, cradling him close, and Eiri nuzzled his face against the damp, silk-clad chest. He was still small enough to be held like this, loved like this...

To be touched like this...

"I don't want to be here, Tohma. I-I can't." Tohma stroked the head of hair lying on him, frowning in distaste, but he knew he could only blame himself.

"Your sister is here." He tried to sound chipper. "We came to visit."

"No. No. Don't make me stay." His tears were hot compared to the rain. They burnt scars into his flesh. "Don't make me stay." Tohma tried to resist the pull, the temptation that bound him close, but he could not.

He could never deny Eiri anything.

"Okay," he whispered, tilting the boy's face to look directly at him. His alabaster skin was stained with streaks of mud and water, the fine arches of his eyebrows dirty, and those bright cat eyes were fading quickly, the gleam in their usually neon depths reflecting amber. Eiri was no longer the bright, happy youth he had fallen in love with. He had to do something. "Okay. Come with me."

There wasn't time to be proper, respectable Seguchi Tohma.

Eiri leaned heavily against the man forcing him to his feet, stricken with paralysis, and Tohma quietly spoke to him, encouraging him to take one step at a time, to breathe. Fingers dug into his ribs, refusing to release him, and Tohma managed to get them to his car before Eiri stopped moving completely. He stood beside him, shaking and staring blankly forward. The older man wanted to slap him, do something that would wake him up, but Tohma couldn't bring himself to let the boy go.

Eiri was beyond anything of a violent nature.

Bloodshed had made him this way.

With Eiri still hanging on him and not budging without force, Tohma wrestled with his pocket to extract his keys. He could never understand why he felt the need to lock his car. Mika certainly never did. They were in Kyoto, at a temple.

Who would steal in a place like this?

Tohma shoved the key into the lock, twisting it, and he pulled the door open, practically dragging Eiri forward so he could get him in the front seat. Despite Eiri's miniature appearance, he was rather heavy. Or, was it that Tohma, physically, wasn't very strong? It remained undecided.

Eiri whimpered when Tohma stopped touching him, his eyes large and wide, heartbreaking to look upon, and he turned to stare at him, his hand, small, vulnerable, trembling, reaching out for him.

"D-don't leave me."

Eiri was begging.

Pleading.

God, what had he done?

"Eiri-"

"Not alone. Please...I don't want to be a-alone..." Tohma wanted to tell him differently, to hold him close and whisper those forbidden nothings and sweet reassurances into his ear, against that perfect, white skin, but he was chained to the limitations of his conscience.

He'd already defiled his precious love once.

He could not do it again.

"Don't worry." It was all he could say.

It was the only thing he would allow himself to say.

"Sorry. I'm sorry." That pitiful mantra sounded like a prayer to Tohma, a confession of one too young to know, and finally, the unbreakable one felt his shields coming down.

His eyes burned.

Eiri remembered Tohma disappearing into the rain for only a moment, though it seemed an eternity to his dizzy mind, and then he was behind the wheel, chest heaving and water sliding down his pale cheeks. Tohma wasn't smiling.

He seemed angry.

Eiri shivered when the older man touched his chin and cupped his jaw, eyes closing habitually.

Tohma could always make him feel better.

Eiri curled into a ball and slept.

- - - - - -

Seguchi Tohma was twenty-six. He excelled at many things in this life that others could only dream about. He played the synthesizer for an increasingly famous pop band, and he was engaged...although not as happily as he would have liked. He could speak other languages as fluently as his own native Japanese, and he had been entrusted with the most precious commodity in known existence.

Uesugi Eiri stared over the rim of his cup at the older blonde, yellow eyes shining happily as he tried not to laugh and spit out the tea in his mouth, and Tohma clasped his hands beneath his chin, smiling back at him. He couldn't understand why Eiri wasn't upset anymore, but Tohma refused to question it. He loved seeing Eiri this way, all pale cream and joyful grins, and inquiring about what had happened would reverse the entire situation.

Tohma didn't want to see Eiri cry anymore.

Eiri carefully placed his cup on its saucer and promptly frowned.

"What's wrong, Eiri-san?"

And, they were back to the titles, back to the proper etiquette that had been forgotten. Tohma was bound by his own honor and by the fact that he was Eiri's brother-in-law to remember that these emotions he harbored were unacceptable.

It was okay to pretend, but it could never be reality.

"Nothing." The boy pushed up the sleeves of dry, borrowed clothes, but they slid over his forearms, obviously too big. Eiri grunted in frustration and tried to roll them up instead, but his coordination lacked degrees in this area for some unknown reason. It was like watching a child instead of a youth of sixteen.

Tohma tilted his head to the side.

"Do you need help?"

"No." Eiri sighed heavily and hid his face in the crook of his arm. "Yes..."

Tohma stood, comfortable in the loose jeans and plain sweater of his other identity. He couldn't be all suits and ties everyday.

Eiri watched him approach over the edge of his arm, eyes blinking curiously, and Tohma knelt beside him, taking his wrists to straighten them.

"Hold still," he commanded, sliding his hands over the smooth skin of bony fingers whiter than his own. He grazed the callus of Eiri's writing hand, unable to hide the smile edging onto his lips as he took hold of cottony material and began to fold. He was such a poet, this beautiful man-child, and nothing about him was ungraceful or ugly. The first time he'd met Eiri had been over a notebook, pencil flying across the pages. Eiri hadn't liked him at first, or so he'd thought, but Eiri assured him that it hadn't been true.

Eiri was happy Mika had "found" him.

Tohma was halfway through rolling up the other sleeve when he suddenly leaned forward, banding his arms around Eiri and hugging him tightly. The chair scouted on the floor, and Eiri fell into Tohma's lap.

"T-Tohma?" Eiri giggled. "That tickles..." Tohma's breath was hot against his neck, scorching his skin. He shivered.

Tohma blinked...and drew his tongue back into his mouth.

Had he been about to lick Eiri?

"Tohma?" Eiri was staring at the ceiling, running his hands through Tohma's hair.

It was so soft...

"I-" Reality jabbed nails into his palms, and he released the boy in his arms, drawing his fingers from the curve of Eiri's butt. "I'm sorry."

Eiri laughed.

"For what?" He pulled back, pressing Tohma's nose flat with a finger. "I like when you hug me." Eiri looped his arms around Tohma's neck for emphasis and grinned happily.

"Eiri-" Eiri suddenly yawned. Tohma smiled half-heartedly. "I think it's time-"

"That I went to bed." He nodded. "I know."

"Of course you do." Tohma prompted Eiri to his feet, and the youth stood, the lower edge of his navel level with Tohma's eyes. Tohma turned away, rather flushed. "Go on."

"Alright." Eiri took a step and stopped, turning to face the other staring at the floor. "Tohma? I wanted to ask..." He bit his lip. "Nevermind..." Eiri walked down the hallway, sliding every couple of steps because the pajama bottoms he wore were too long.

Tohma shook his head and covered his eyes.

He really was a monster.

He was the only one who would have done that.

The only one.

No one else wanted to...touch Eiri.

God! No one else wanted to...to do THINGS to Eiri.

Only him.

Seguchi Tohma.

Pervert extraordinaire.

Why?!

Tohma wearily got to his feet, feeling sluggish, and he sauntered slowly towards his own bedroom, desperate to feel a mattress against his face. Without Mika to steal the pillows or the blankets, Tohma would be able to rest better...

Unless he let his thoughts wonder. Then, he'd be at attention until the sun hit the horizon, too awake to sleep.

Tohma cursed at his own stupidity. He was never going to learn, and he'd thought himself a reasonably smart person. Eiri was too young. He was sixteen. Tohma was twenty-six. If no one could do the math, that was a, give or take, ten year difference. Worlds of experience separated them. Eiri was still a child, and Tohma...

Tohma was obsessed with him.

He loved the little things about Eiri:

The way he smiled.

The looks and expressions.

His intelligence.

His will, the motivation behind it all.

Eiri reminded Tohma of himself, but he was different, too.

He hated authority. Tohma would have never argued with his parents or ran away, but Eiri had.

Eiri was rebellious.

A hellcat behind shining blonde hair and golden eyes.

Tohma couldn't resist grinning at the thought of Eiri actually being a cat. He was certainly sleek enough. And, Eiri was rather petite for his age, too.

His tongue slid over the edge of his bottom lip, and he immediately tugged at his hair.

He didn't want to think about this.

He couldn't afford to.

Tohma moved to change into something more suitable for sleeping, sliding rough jeans over his slender hips and the sweater over his head, mussing his hair. He stood before his closet, bare foot and little more than half naked. His arms crossed out of habit, the chill in the room making him shudder slightly, and he reached for the clothes folded neatly in front of him, slipping them on with relative efficiency. They were similar to the ones Eiri had borrowed but less...frivolous.

Mika wasn't allowed to shop for him anymore.

Tohma crawled onto the bed, lying on his side to face the empty half of the mattress. His hand touched the vacant pillow. His wife had been angry with him, but he hadn't cared.

Eiri was more important.

Eiri had always been more important.

Everything up to this point had been his fault, anyway. He'd taken Eiri to America. He had introduced Eiri to...to...

He couldn't even mention the name anymore.

It had been one catastrophe upon another. He'd wanted to save Eiri, but he'd destroyed him instead.

How could he be forgiven for that?

Tohma rolled over onto his back and stared at the ceiling.

An hour passed. Then another.

The solitary confinement of his room seemed ominous, like it was going to eat him. Despite the exhaustion racking his body, Tohma could not force himself to sleep. He kept thinking.

Eiri...Eiri...Eiri...

And, the thoughts grew louder.

EIRI...EIRI...EIRI...

Tohma moaned. He couldn't help it. He had to-

"T-Tohma?"

His eyes flashed open and narrowed in on the doorway. Eiri's slim figure stood there, shirt missing, and he was trembling convulsively. He looked like he was going to fall down.

"Eiri?" Tohma sat up. "What's wrong?"

"I...I couldn't sleep. The dream...it..." He stumbled into the room, smacking into the dresser placed inconveniently beside the door, and he rebounded forward, sliding on the long pajama pants and smashing into the edge of the bed, crashing onto the floor.

"Are you alright?!" Eiri climbed to his feet, clutching his nose and completely red.

"Y-yes...I...I was wondering...I..." Tohma smiled sweetly.

"Do you want to sleep in here, Eiri-san?" The boy nodded, embarrassed, and Tohma smoothed out the other half of the bed, indicating that he could lay there. Eiri did as commanded and covered his bare chest with his arms, still shaking. His cheeks were stained with tears. Tohma reached out to touch his face, but Eiri clutched his arm, staring at him with pitiful, rounded eyes.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean for any of it to-to happen. It was an accident." Eiri bit his lip. "I swear!"

"What are you-" Eiri sniffled.

"With-with sensei. I didn't m-mean to-" He began to cry again, releasing his grip on Tohma's arm to cover his eyes, and Tohma moved closer to him, pulling him into a loose embrace.

"It wasn't your fault, Eiri-san." Tohma ran fingers through his hair. "Please believe me." He hugged him tightly. "You didn't do anything."

"But I...there was-" Tohma shook his head fiercely.

"No. You are not to blame." Tohma drew back, forcing Eiri to look at him. "Stop accusing yourself." Eiri turned his head to the side, his battle inevitably lost.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, forcing himself back into Tohma's arms. "I'm...I'm scared."

"I know," he replied, nodding. "I know." And, he allowed himself to fall back against the pillows, bringing Eiri with him.

The boy boldly snuggled against him.

Tohma felt his heart pound when Eiri slid his hand down to grasp his hip.

"Mmm..."

Tohma's face flamed brightly.

"Soft..." Eiri snickered. His eyes were closed, and he appeared...happier.

Tohma was really beginning to worry for the youth cradled against him.

Why was he like this?

What had he done?

"I love you, Eiri."

But, Eiri did not hear him. He was already dreaming.

Tohma stared at the ceiling...again. He didn't want to look at Eiri for fear of touching him. It was already bad enough that Eiri was pressing himself closer and closer, obviously trying to borrow his body heat. He could only guess as to why Eiri wasn't wearing the matching pajama top he'd lent him.

Time passed.

Slowly.

An hour? Two? Tohma wasn't sure, but his self-control was teetering. Eiri's breath fanned across the exposed line of his neck, hot and sticky, slow and even. His fingers were glued tightly to his hipbone.

Tohma squeezed his eyes shut. He bit his lip.

Those thoughts were back.

Eiri...

Eiri...Eiri...

EIRI, EIRI, EIRI!

"Ah..." Tohma turned his head to the side, his ears throbbing, and Eiri's mouth parted as he took a deep breath, his bare chest rising and falling heavily. Tohma slowly moved a little closer, carefully wiggling his hand free from its prison between Eiri's side and the mattress. He touched the boy's cheek, and Eiri did not move. The tips of his fingers grazed his lips, and Tohma couldn't stop himself.

He had to taste him.

Tohma tilted his head down, strands of platinum caressing blonde, and his tongue swept across the edge of Eiri's lip, sending a shudder through him.

It was like heaven, and Eiri was oblivious to it.

He continued to sleep.

Tohma slipped his hand down the flat, naked place of Eiri's chest, loving the smooth texture beneath his fingertips, and he pressed his mouth against Eiri's, wallowing in his flavor. He would have been content to kiss like this, lightly and secretly, had Eiri not arched up and parted his lips, panting.

He drew away, embarrassed, trying to think of an excuse as to why he'd done what he had, but Eiri's eyes were still closed and his breathing still even.

Eiri hadn't woken up.

Tohma's lips found Eiri's again, hungrily and with more force, and he brushed his tongue across teeth, lapped at the other's tongue, and purred quietly with satisfaction. He didn't care if he was married or if this was supposed to be wrong...

Eiri was addicting.

His hand cupped the youth's face as he continued to kiss him, gently drawing him closer, and Eiri whimpered softly as he slept, unaware of everything. Yet, on some sub-conscious level, he must have been. No one responded like this if they were truly sleeping.

Tohma freed his other arm, carefully maneuvering Eiri so that he was flat on his back, and he leaned over him, tilting his chin up to expose his neck. He nibbled at the slender column of flesh, thrilled to hear Eiri moaning softly in the back of his throat. Tohma sucked at that tender skin, sliding his tongue up his jaw, towards his ear, and he lightly bit there, his lips and teeth playing delicately. The boy practically bent himself off the bed, his mouth falling open in a silent cry, and his fingers suddenly dug themselves into the sheets, gripping tightly. Tohma was glad Eiri was no longer holding onto him because his knuckles were turning white with the force of his grasp.

"Uhh..." Eiri turned onto his side, moving his other arm so that he was pushing at Tohma. "Stop it..."

Tohma blinked in surprise.

Was Eiri awake?

"Eiri?" The boy did not stir. "Eiri?"

Tohma wrapped an arm around Eiri's waist and drew him against his chest.

"No..." Eiri tried to move away. "Don't want to..."

"Eiri-" Tohma didn't realize how stern his voice had been until Eiri somehow managed to face him in that embrace, those beautiful glowing eyes of his still closed, and he grabbed Tohma's hand, pulling it to his chest and down towards the juncture of his thighs.

Tohma felt his heart skip a beat.

What was he doing?

"What are you doing?"

"Oh..." Eiri released Tohma's hand and touched the buttons of the older man's shirt, skillfully slipping one free.

Now, Eiri's eyes were partially open, but they were clouded and murky.

Was he...still asleep??

"Eiri?" Another button popped free.

This couldn't be happening.

Tohma swallowed.

This couldn't...

Eiri lifted himself up and lapped at Tohma's lips, their hips brushing together.

"Shh." Eiri licked Tohma's mouth again. "It's okay..." His voice was tiny, microscopic in the vastness of the room, and Tohma knew that his heart was going to pound out of his chest if this went any further.

But, he couldn't stop him, either.

In all honesty, he didn't want to.

"Eiri..." Eiri's tongue delved between Tohma's lips, parting them efficiently, and he kissed him with ferocity, his hands locking in Tohma's hair. Slender, nearly trembling fingers slid down the curve of Eiri's back, petting warm, naked skin in a shaking caress knowingly forbidden to anyone without the boy's consent, and Eiri arched against him, frantically fumbling to slide his leg over Tohma's. He straddled him, locking them perfectly together as though they had always meant to be.

Tohma would have believed it had he not been slapped by a sudden jolt of reality.

Lust-filled eyes snapped open, aware of the youthfully flushed face peering down at him with semi-closed lemon orbs saturated in...sleep? Desire? Tohma didn't know, couldn't possibly understand how any of this had happened, and yet...

Yet, it had.

He, the adult, the one to "know better," had allowed Eiri to kiss him, touch him, captivate him. No sixteen-year-old should have been knowledgeable of the things the boy upon him had done. A mere child had done this. All of this.

Truly, he was a monster, one capable of ravaging the innocence of the only person he loved more than anything he'd ever known. It was wrong. God, he knew it was wrong, but he couldn't help it.

He couldn't help it like he couldn't help breathing.

No one could stop themselves from loving Eiri.

Tohma grabbed the youth's fingers, drawing them viciously away from the top of his pajama bottoms where the evidence of his arousal strained against cloth, and he turned, roughly pinning the boy beneath him. His chest heaved, the sound of his heart roaring in his ears, and he could feel his eyes burning, threatening to send tears running down his cheeks. Eiri struggled, lashing out at him, fighting him, and Tohma ground his teeth, nearly shouting for him to stop.

"Eiri!" The youth groaned, sobbing harshly. "EIRI!"

"No! Don't make me! Don't make me!" he screamed, eyes flashing open to reveal gleaming orbs of neon lemon, and when Eiri saw him, knew that it was someone who wouldn't hurt him, he calmed, crying softly, tugging Tohma to his skinny, still naked body. The older man awkwardly wrapped his arms around him, wondering whether or not Eiri was aware of the hardness pressed to his thigh.

He hoped not.

"Shh!" Tohma cradled him. "It's alright. It was only a dream..."

His stomach churned with disgust at the lie.

But what else could he have told him?

"It...it was s-so...real..." Bony fingers dug into his shoulder, biting his flesh painfully, but Tohma accepted it as punishment for his transgression.

He had nearly...

"Come. Let me help you." He pried petrified limbs from his body, maneuvering so that he was sitting on the edge of his bed, and Tohma motioned for Eiri to follow, eventually grabbing the distraught boy by the wrist to force him to walk. When they made it to the bathroom and Tohma had wet a washcloth in the sink, Eiri appeared to experiencing perpetual shock. He shook from head to toe, making a strange moaning sound in the back of his throat, and the elder blonde knelt before him, wiping tears from his face, comforting him. "It'll be okay," he whispered, stroking his cheek, the feel of his skin soft and smooth despite the wetness there. "I'm here..."

"D-don't leave me. Don't...I'm s-scared of..."

"I know." Eiri clung to him. "I know."

Yet, he didn't. Tohma couldn't figure out why Eiri was so terrified, why he couldn't stop trembling, why he had been possessed, crazed, almost hungry.

Tohma hadn't stood a chance against him.

"I'm sorry." He hiccupped several times, choking his words. "T-thank you for...I love you."

But all Tohma could think about was what the boy in his arms had said earlier, his heart aching more deeply than before, his mind unable to comprehend it all.

'Don't make me!'

TBC-


	2. L

Disclaimer: Gravitation is property of Maki Murakami. Sadly, I do not own anything. --

Note: This is dedicated to ln and patosan for introducing me to the wonderful world of Tohma and Eiri. Thanks!

Authoress' Note: I'm very glad to know that this story hasn't been forgotten. Also, I would like to let all of my wonderful readers know that _I_ did not remove this story from It was taken down because of...the obvious. So, I apologize for the inconvenience it has caused. Also, for those that remember the fifth chapter, that, sadly, was only a filler chapter. After going back and reading what was there, I realized it did not flow well with the previous chapters. So, the _real_ fifth chapter will be up ASAP.

Thank you for understanding! If anyone has any questions or comments, feel free to email me at 

Now, on to the story!

_**Alone in Eden**_

_Part Two_

Tohma allowed his fingers to fly across the keys, losing himself in the melody wrapping its sorrowful hands around his heart. His mind was preoccupied with the memories of months past, and it had already affected his music without his consent. The tone reflected remorse, partial anger when he accidentally slid too far down the scale while allowing his thoughts to wonder, and Tohma suddenly slammed the keys in unison, jolting the sound from mournful to pointless. He hung his head, tendrils of blonde caressing the curves of delicate cheeks, and he felt his shoulders beginning to shake before the cold touch of tears splashed hot on fisted hands. His face ached from gritting his teeth, the depths of his soul resonating with a forbidden passion, an impossible desire to hold the body of his precious Eiri once again.

He had not been to Kyoto in nearly half a year. He'd forced himself to place distance between them.

Eiri hadn't liked that.

He'd fought, argued, screamed.

Yet, that hadn't wounded Tohma as much as the 'why do you hate me?' pouring repeatedly from his mouth and the glistening tears staining his face as Mika had shut him inside her car to return him to the repetitive, boring life within a Buddhist temple. Mika hadn't said much, but the look she'd given had been more than enough.

They spent too much time together.

So, Tohma had buried himself under work.

Nittle Grasper had already smashed the public with their entrancing, mysteriously up-beat yet anguished songs, and he'd forced himself to forget the memories, the smiles, the irresistible taste of sixteen-year-old lips upon his fevered skin.

He occasionally wondered how Eiri was, what he was doing, but he could never gather the courage to ask Mika or pick up the phone and call. His fiancé had brought him an envelope from the boy once, he could not remember when, stating that Eiri had insisted he have it.

It seemed unreal.

Tohma recalled the quickening of his pulse, the calm composure he'd somehow managed to maintain as he'd worked the glued flap open, Eiri's delicious saliva unknowingly holding the paper together. A picture slid out along with a folded piece of crisp paper, and Tohma's heart leapt into his throat at the sight. Eiri lay on a pile of blankets, head propped up with hand and elbow, and his golden hair was tousled, those seemingly innocent cat eyes glowing mischievously at him. His smile was sly, conquering, and Tohma had squeaked silently, desperately wanting to reach into the picture held between trembling fingers and touch him.

Reluctantly, he resisted.

Latter, Tohma read the letter, alone and undisturbed in the room that housed his instruments, and he'd been thankful he had decided to wait.

He wouldn't have been able to suppress a moan of compliance.

He'd forgotten how beautiful and rich Eiri's writing was for nearly seventeen, how readable and organized the kanji. The characters of his name were written with care, the odd addition of a semi-lopsided heart causing a lump to form in his throat.

Eiri missed him.

That had been the gist of it.

It had also held a hint of something else, something Eiri shouldn't have written at ALL, but it was there, in black and white, painfully clear.

Tohma hadn't been able to figure out what to do with himself, then.

He'd shredded the letter, had stashed the picture where no one else could fine it. And, he'd released the pent-up affliction between his thighs with quick, forceful masturbation, moaning his golden angel's name as he came shamefully in his hands, crying for repentance.

Tohma's blood stirred at the memory, and he rubbed the back of his hand across his face, suddenly laughing.

No one was there to hear him, and besides, he was losing his mind.

Absolutely losing his damn mind.

He shouldn't have been obsessing over something like this, but he was, and he couldn't do anything to stop himself.

He loved Eiri, loved him more and more the longer they were apart.

Tohma had never really been in love with anyone before, either.

It was a sin to admit that truth, considering he was going to marry a woman of wondrous talents, but their impending union had been arranged, the decision of two fathers wanting to gain from their children.

How could he love someone he was being made to marry?

How could he be in love with the younger brother of his fiancé?

He eventually sighed, turning the synthesizer's power off before exiting the recording studio belonging to Nittle Grasper's contractor.

He had to go home.

He had to sleep; his insomnia was increasingly worsening.

He…had to see Eiri.

- - - -

"Mika-san?" The lights in their penthouse were dimmed, silence reigning amidst the darkness. Tohma slipped his shoes off, glancing around slowly, but he neither saw nor heard her presence.

"She's not here," a quiet, familiar voice murmured from in front of him. Tohma jerked, tripping backwards into the wall, and the figure looming over him seemed to melt into the shadows of his desire. His mouth trembled.

"E-Eiri-san?" Molten eyes peered deeply into his own despite the lack of light.

"Hello…Tohma." Suddenly, he couldn't move. He couldn't comprehend what was going on. He lost all control of his body as Eiri reached forward and took his hand. "I'm sorry I frightened you. I…I fell asleep after my sister left, and when I heard the door open I figured…"

Warm fingers clenched his tightly, and Tohma mysteriously regained his composure, standing to his full height, trying to remember to breathe. It was then that he realized the other towered over him by several inches, and when he thought back to the words he'd spoken, he experienced the litany of deep, sensual words, not the light tone of a young boy.

How had he missed this?

"It's fine. I-I'm glad to see you, Eiri-san." Eiri squeezed his hand.

"So am I. Why didn't you-" He quieted, appearing unsure of himself, and Tohma thought he could see a blush on his face. Tohma moved forward, Eiri reluctantly releasing him, and he flicked on a table lamp, illuminating the room with brightness.

Tohma inconspicuously examined the other from beneath blonde bangs, his heart knocking against his chest.

Eiri's hair was considerably longer than before, brushing the lower edges of his ears in a tender sweep of yellow tendrils, and his skin remained pale, smooth and unblemished as it had been the last time he'd seen him.

Tohma couldn't resist smiling until he noticed the bruise adorning that godly face of he admired.

He was by Eiri's side in an instant, hands carefully touching the swell displacing his features.

"What happened?" Eiri sighed and leaned into Tohma's hand.

Tohma sucked in his breath…quietly.

"A fight…at school."

Tohma gave him a wary look.

"I've been trying to ignore them, honestly I have, but then..." Eiri didn't say anything more until Tohma prompted him with a slight nudge. "It was...about you."

Turquoise eyes widened a little.

"What about me?"

"I can't tell you."

"Why not?"

"I-" Eiri suddenly fell into him, wrapping slender arms around his neck, his nose pressed to his shoulder. "I don't want you to think that I'm...foolish." Tohma wallowed in the feel of Eiri's weight against him, trying to smother the long-suppressed urge to ravish him.

"Foolish? Eiri-san, you're not-"

"But I am. I am so idiotically foolish because I...because I..."

Tohma's heart pounded frantically.

Say it.

His mind swam.

Say it…

Please.

"What?" His voice was barely a whisper, and Eiri's was even smaller.

"Because I love you, and I'm not supposed to."

His senses reeled, blinding him, smothering him, deafening him, paralyzing him, and Tohma drew Eiri back, looking upon him with obvious surprise.

"W-what?" He blinked. "What did you say?"

Thoughts flashed before him, unbelievable ideas surfacing that should not have EVER been there, and Tohma felt guilty for it.

"Because I love you." The words rang in his ears. "I love you, Tohma." Then, the boy seemed to shrink after a moment, his confidence crushed without any response. "I-I mean…oh, god…I'm sorry…I-"

Tohma moved.

His mouth crushed Eiri's, his tongue demanding as he parted the boy's lips. Eiri grunted, unsure of what to think, and then, he was kissing back, his hands frantically moving everywhere. They ran up Tohma's back, combed through platinum hair, and squeezed tightly, drawing him closer.

Eiri no longer seemed the shy one. His tongue jabbed against the roof of Tohma's mouth, slid slickly over teeth and gums, massaged the plane of the other's tongue, and Tohma's knees shook, his thoughts frayed.

He eventually surrendered.

And…

They fell to the floor.

Eiri flattened him into the hard panels, his no-longer-boyish frame feeling forbidden and heavenly all at once. Something pressed into Tohma's side, uncomfortable, painful, but he ignored it, only the taste and touch of the youth ravishing him prominent in his mind. Eiri sucked at his lips, drawing Tohma's tongue deeply into his mouth, and spit slid down brushing faces, saturating skin and soaking clothing. Shaking fingers clawed the clothing clinging to Eiri's body, stretching it, pulling it up and away from his lithe body, and Tohma slithered his hands up Eiri's back, down his ribs, reveling in the feel of reality. It was different than before, the air thicker and heavier somehow, but Tohma couldn't comprehend anything but Eiri and Eiri's ministrations.

He raped his mouth.

He touched his thigh.

He played with him.

Eiri's skill was…mind-numbing, completely impossible.

Tohma didn't want these emotions flying out of control, beyond his will to suppress them, but the youth slowly driving him mad with his tongue and fingertips was doing just that.

He suddenly couldn't breathe and pushed against Eiri's chest.

Wrong…

Wrong, wrong, wrong…

His brain screamed the words, but his tongue did not move.

"Eiri-" His mouth was freed, and he panted, drew in air like he'd been suffocating.

Can't…

"Eiri…n-no…"

It seemed the hardest thing he'd ever done. He felt tears seeping down his cheeks.

"What's wrong?" His voice was soft and teasing, low, incredibly husky.

Tohma's stomach literally flipped over at his words.

"This…w-we can't…"

Golden eyes scourged his own, tearing into depths of passion-glazed ocean, and Tohma found himself gazing upon the face of a tormented, lost child, the soul of a misguided boy too naïve to realize the folly of his actions. Tohma's spirit ached with remorse, with an unholy love that should never have been.

"But…I-I don't understand." Eiri's fingers grasped the outline of Tohma's cock through the material of his pants and squeezed…rather hard. "I-I thought you…wanted me."

That was his undoing.

Tohma overpowered Eiri, rolling so that he was staring down at him. Despite the darkness, Eiri glowed divinely, a beacon to the perverted boy-lover within Tohma's sub-consciousness, and he pressed himself flat, Eiri already arching to meet him, moaning unintelligibly in the back of his throat. Fingers intertwined, locking tightly together in an embrace of sweaty skin, and Tohma's mouth descended upon Eiri's, his eyes drifting shut.

I want you…

His tongue feasted upon Eiri's neck, hot and slick.

I want you so much…

He bit at his collarbone.

So much that it hurts…

Eiri cried out, his hand gripping Tohma's with an unnecessary force that left his fingers numb, and his back arched at an odd angle, chest, thighs, and hips slamming together.

"Ah!"

Eiri moaned, tossing his head back and forth, torn between lying restless at the other's disposal and taking control.

Sparks smashed his vision into black stars.

He slumped liquidly into the floor and allowed Tohma to own him.

Tohma's mouth was everywhere at once, eating him, consuming his existence.

He twisted and bucked, frantic to feel all of Tohma's weight upon him.

Eventually, Eiri lost it.

He screamed.

The sound ricocheted throughout the empty apartment, soft yet deafening to the older man now nibbling at the delicate skin of Eiri's ear, and Tohma couldn't resist chuckling before freeing his hands of Eiri's fingers to remove the bothersome clothing between himself and the boy panting beneath him. After a moment, Eiri began helping him, tearing at the fabric of his own shirt to experience skin against skin, and they rolled sideways, losing horizontal balance, hitting the innocent table with the lamp hard enough to wobble its legs unevenly.

Glass shattered around them, blackening the room with cold, empty temptation, and Tohma abruptly stopped moving, his hand frozen beneath the band of Eiri's pants.

Can't…

Eiri brushed against him.

"What is it?" He sounded undeniably aroused, and the shame returned, pounding heavily across Tohma's soul, bruising his morality.

He couldn't do this.

He just…couldn't.

Tohma didn't want to ruin him…again.

He was so…

Disgusted.

"E-Eiri-san…" Tohma shut his eyes, grimacing, battling the tears threatening to burn the remnants of his essence into nothing. "We-we have to stop."

"Why?" Lithe, talented fingers encircled the wrist of the hand beneath his waistband and pushed down, a moan escaping Eiri's throat when flesh mean hardened, heated flesh. "I thought this was what you…uh!"

Tohma lost all feeling in his body as Eiri began to jerk off with his hand.

He didn't know what to do.

Eiri groaned and writhed under him, his OWN hand wrapped tightly around Eiri's cock, clenched tightly with Eiri's fingers. Tohma bit his lip when the tempo of his movements increased, when Eiri bowed his back to draw him closer.

Base to tip and tip to base.

Over and over.

Relentlessly.

Tohma felt the heat, the give of velvet skin under his fingers.

It scoured him deeply.

He had done this.

He had initiated the kiss, the touches…

He deserved everything he got and then some.

He had done this.

"Eiri-"

The boy was lost. His eyes were closed, the sheen of sweat glistening upon his forehead, and his teeth chewed his lip raw as he continued to pleasure himself. Had there been any light, Tohma would have noticed the way Eiri looked, could have comprehended the incoherent thoughts in the youth's clouded mind, but he could not.

Tohma was drowning in his own mind, accusing himself, silently sobbing for Eiri to stop.

He couldn't remember when his hand began to move of its own accord, Eiri no longer able to do anything but encourage him with muted moans and the rocking of his hips.

Tohma felt light years from himself.

He wasn't doing this.

He knew better than to allow his feelings, wrong and misguided, to control him

He knew better.

He knew…nothing.

Eiri was beautiful, exquisite and godly upon the floor, shivering from the orgasm closing upon him. He didn't deserve the touch of some pedophile who would only hurt him in the end, though he would not mean to. He deserved someone who would truly love him, not lust after him, want him in such an unforgiving manner.

He-

Eiri climaxed harshly, cum wetting Tohma's fingers and his clothing, bringing an end to the nightmarish dream.

His breath was ragged, harsh and satisfying to burning ears amidst the darkness, and Tohma shamefully pulled his hand away, dripping with Eiri's essence and screaming silently to be tasted.

Fingertips brushed his lips, smearing semen upon the edge of his tongue, and Tohma lapped at it, swirling and savoring it in his mouth.

Eiri couldn't see him, and he was unaware of the tears soaking Tohma's cheeks. He reached out for him, but Tohma was pulling away, his thoughts and body too shaken to lie there anymore.

"Where are you going?"

Tohma was on his feet, holding his hand away from him like he'd touched something sacred and had sinned for doing so.

To his fragmented mind, he had, and he couldn't be forgiven.

EVER…

"Tohma? W-wait!" Eiri scrambled after him, cursing quietly when he stepped on glass. "Wait!"

No…

No, no…

NO, NO, NO!

Tohma swaggered towards his bedroom, tripping over his feet, stumbling into the wall, desperate to get away.

He didn't want to look at him, just couldn't gaze upon his face.

Eiri chased after him, grabbing at his shirt, managing to latch on and slow his steps, and Tohma reeled, falling down and down and down into the blackness swelling around him, nothing to catch him or slow his descent.

The floor vanished.

Eiri disappeared, his melodic voice a distance ring in Tohma's buzzing ears, and when he opened his mouth to scream, ask forgiveness, beg repentance, his eyes opened instead, giving him the lay-out of a dim, sun-lit room. His muscles ached, the joints in his fingers and wrists beyond stiff, and his skin was saturated and sticky, clumps of dull blonde matted to his skull. He groaned, trying to regain some semblance of memory, and he noticed what had been his pillow beneath his head- his keyboard.

"A…dream?" His voice sounded hoarse to him, as though he'd been screaming for hours without reprieve, and he rubbed shaking hands over his worn face, unable to dissolve the realism of what had just happened.

There was no possible way for it to have been a dream, some figment of his imagination.

Tohma glanced around, searching for signs of someone else, of Eiri, but he found nothing except scattered sheet music, notes thrown hastily upon them in his handwriting.

He gathered them, crumbled everything into a ball, and threw it.

"GOD!"

He clenched his hands and beat his synthesizer like an ill-tempered child throwing a tantrum.

Frustration welled and ran over, sending a wave of blatant animosity coursing through him, and Tohma screamed out his grief, feeling foolish and morally juvenile at the expression of such a despised emotion.

He was such a sick, sick person.

What was wrong with him?

Why did he have to harbor such…immoral feelings for a youth ten years younger than himself, an adolescent BOY of almost seventeen?

Why did he lust after him? Dream about him? Pretend that those feelings were returned in the same fashion they were, inevitably, given?

Why…couldn't he stop?

It was like an addiction, a petty game he played to pass the time when he was bored.

It was repulsive.

Anyone else could have seen that had they known, but Tohma wasn't stupid.

He never said anything, and he doubted Eiri could remember their last encounter those six, long months ago since he had mentioned nothing and had smiled the morning after, but this new form of reality, these dreams of unbelievable solidity, were difficult to handle…and comprehend.

Did he only lust after Eiri?

Did he only want to use him and then discard him?

His heart said no.

He LOVED Eiri.

Yet, his conscience, black and corrupted, whispered yes.

Yes, he did want to use him, and yes, he would discard him after he'd had his fill, had sated his desire for young, malleable flesh.

Mika would never give him the satisfaction Eiri did, even in those make-believe worlds of his, and that made Tohma cringe with fear, with denial, with…nausea.

He couldn't do this anymore.

He was tired of living so far from the only person who completed him, made the uneasiness and self-loathing and loneliness evaporate, and he wanted to close that distance, return Eiri to the only place he should have been…

By his side.

Morals be damned, he was sick of running and hiding the truth. He was tired of living a fantasy that would never happen.

It was just too much!

Tohma stood on wobbly legs, the room spinning momentarily until he found his equilibrium, and he started for the exit, mentally reminding himself to never stay late at work again as he twisted the knob of the studio door to open it.

He had to go home; he briefly wondered if Mika had worried about him when he hadn't.

He had to sleep; his insomnia was far beyond worse, now.

He…had to see Eiri.

And, maybe, just maybe, he had lost his mind already.

TBC-


End file.
